Just For Laughs
Just thought I'd share some of my randomness with you. As it happens, even when I'm writing an e-mail to my sis, I find a way to do so with flair!
The sitch: I hadn't talked to my sister in a long time. So what better way to get her to e-mail me than with threats of an alien abduction. (note: Tori's refers to a pair of kick ass Tori Burch boots she bought. It'll make sense in a minute.) Observe.
It has become disturbingly apparent that you've been abducted by aliens. Don't panic. I'm banking on them not knowing what a cell phone does and thus ignoring your huddled form in the corner of the spacecraft reading this message. You're probably just now passing a nebula, totally normal. Don't panic.
See the being that looks a little like Mr. Potato Head? That's Hujhfuejls --the J is silent-- he prefers if you say it with a touch of a british accent and as though announcing the arrival of a king. Makes him feel important. At any rate, he's the one with the cookies. They'll be in his right pocket. That's also where he keeps his slime.
Do NOT eat the slime.
You should also know that their concept of right and left is reversed and also not on a horizontal plane. So yes, you want the "hand" (those tentacle-y things are hands. They'll be offended if you call it anything else) the "hand" at the top of its...head, for lack of a better term. They're not offended by not calling it a head, but I'd suggest doing it anyway.
Back to the cookies.
The topmost hand on his head, the one submerged in his pocket that looks like a mouth. That's what you're looking for. It has the cookies. Don't forget about the slime.
Do NOT eat the slime.
The cookies are perfectly safe.
*Sidebar* Are you wearing the Tori's? Hujhf's "girlfriend" LOVES Tori's. I think her, umm, feet might be your size. Don't panic. Best to take them off and give them to her. She has a fondness for human feet. The humans they're attached to, not so much. Anyhow, where were we. Right. Cookies.
Do NOT eat the cookies.
Why aren't you panicking? You should be panicking!!!!
I suspect you'll be gone a couple more days, but a brief transmission indicating you are okay will suffice. Provided, of course, that you have not eaten the cookies. Or the slime for that matter. And that you gave up the shoes and did not panic.
Tell Hujhf I said "Markensplank!" (just a fancy way of saying hello; the aliens are a pretentious lot) and, if you want to make it back in one piece, do NOT challenge him to Wii bowling. When he loses, he'll offer you cookies. They're safe, without the slime. Do NOT eat the slime...or the cookies. Now's a good time to panic.
Insanity's cousin, twice removed.
The reply to this was instant and short: You're not well, and HELL NO the alien can't have my shoes!!!
At least I know she's all right, and the Tori's are safe. The lesson: Threats of aliens separating her from her feet won't part a woman from a pair of killer shoes.